What “unexplained infertility” really means (and how to cope with the ambiguity)
Many couples find a diagnosis of unexplained infertility very unsettling. It’s deeply frustrating because it feels like there are no answers available for a serious problem. You might be wondering how something so significant can have no explanation. It’s normal to feel discouraged but let’s talk about what unexplained infertility really means and how to cope with the ambiguity.
What is Ambiguous Loss?
Secondary infertility is a form of ambiguous loss. Ambiguous loss is a term that was coined by Dr. Pauline Boss who explains it as a type of grief without a clear end, final answer or official closure.
When a diagnosis of unexplained infertility has been made, it means there’s no identifiable cause for infertility. Standard fertility testing has not identified a clear reason for infertility. It does not mean there is no answer. It just means, it has not been found yet. As a result, you’re left to mourn an expected future.
Unexplained infertility accounts for 15-30% of all cases of infertility. Although it can feel like a dead end, it’s not. The label reflects the limitations of routine testing. The tests are exceptional at finding what it’s designed to find.
Learning how to cope with the ambiguity can be a supportive way to move through the uncertainty as you figure out next steps and what this means for your family building goals.
How To Cope with Ambiguity
- Self Validation
Recognize and accept your own emotions and thoughts about your unexplained infertility diagnosis. You get to feel how you feel about your experience. There is no single right way to feel and you don’t need the external approval from others.
- Get a second opinion
It doesn’t hurt to get a second opinion to either confirm the results or perhaps find something that was missed or overlooked.
- Be informed
Knowing more about your own health and ways you can optimize your fertility can only help. This can give you a sense of control and autonomy over your body and your health.
- Don’t go it alone
Find community and get support. Infertility can be incredibly isolating and lonely. Whether you choose therapy for infertility or a support group in person or online, find supportive spaces where you can connect with others and your experience can be validated.
- Keep your routines
Our brains love predictability and consistency. As much as you can, keep up with your normal routines. This helps with a sense of control and predictability which signals safety to your nervous system.
- Set boundaries
Set boundaries around what you’re willing to discuss with people. You owe no one an explanation for why, how or when you plan to expand your family.
- Take care of yourself
Get good rest, nourish your body well and keep fun scheduled on your calendar. Spend intentional time with friends and family who feel good to be around. This is healthy for you.
- Accept both/and
Secondary infertility accounts for half of all infertility cases. You can feel deep gratitude for the child(ren) you do have and grief about not having another. Living with secondary infertility means living with the reality that grief and gratitude coexists. Tolerating both/and thoughts is a healthy way to cope.
- Don’t compare
Comparison is the thief of joy. It may be tempting to compare your grief with those experiencing unexplained infertility too. Comparing and questioning the validity of your loss, freezes the grief process and inhibits your ability to feel like you can live your life well.
- Align with your partner
Grieving differently is normal. Talk with your partner about how each of you are feeling, what you need from one another.
It’s Not Just You
You’re not the only one googling this at 2am. What you’re feeling is more common than you think it is. There is a range of normal responses to being diagnosed with unexplained infertility. Try not to let this become your identity or your whole life. It’s important to remember that this is happening to you and not because of you. Hold yourself with lots of tenderness and compassion as you journey toward an uncertain future. Take this tiny step today and schedule a phone consultation to discuss what support you need right now.
