15 Ways To Support a Loved One Whose Baby Has Died

Many women and couples who’ve experienced a pregnancy loss often feel isolated in their loss. Your presence and support can help tremendously in decreasing this feeling of isolation. What you do or don’t say can have a lasting impact. In this blog post, you will learn 15 ways to support a loved one whose baby has died.

Risk of Mental Health Problems

Losing a pregnancy or baby puts mothers at greater risk of developing Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders like depression, anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Moreover, research indicates that bereaved mothers are 7 times more likely to develop PTSD compared to non-bereaved mothers. These mothers need your support to aid them in their healing and grieving.

Pregnancy loss carries a stigma which leaves mothers feeling shame and guilt. Being supportive, open and compassionate provides a safe place for her and encourages healing. How you show up (or not show up) does matter and your kindness, empathy and show of support will not be forgotten.

15 Ways to Support a Loved One Whose Baby Has Died

1. Acknowledge the loss
   Don’t give in to the temptation to avoid saying anything. The simple act of acknowledging the loss can be very helpful.
2. Offer practical help
   You can help with meals, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, etc. Plan with a small group of friends and create a task list that can be shared among the group. Assist with childcare if there are other children in the family.
3. Say the baby’s name (if one has been given)
   It’s very comforting for a bereaved mother to hear her baby’s name. You can support moms by remembering and honoring their baby.
4. Be there to sit and listen
   Focus on just listening and being present. You don’t have to fill the room with words.
5. Remember important dates
   Ask about important dates like the date of the loss, due date, funeral date or any other significant dates. Moms want to know that their baby has not been forgotten.
6. Know dates relevant to the loss community
   International Wave of Light is an annual event that takes place on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day (October 15th). It’s a day to acknowledge and honor mother’s who’ve experienced pregnancy or infant loss.
7. Send a card, flowers or a thoughtful gift
   This acknowledges their loss and lets mom know you’re thinking about her.
8. Ask if she wants to talk about her baby and her grief
   Avoid making the assumption that the subject is too painful to talk about. Many moms need and want to talk about their baby.
9. Share helpful resources
   If mom is struggling and you feel that she needs more support, you can ask first and help her find resources to give her more of what she needs. If you have experienced a pregnancy loss yourself and found a helpful resource, ask if she would like you to share the information.
10. Ask about her partner
    Partners grieve the loss of their babies too. Ask about the partner’s experience and how they are coping with the loss. It shows how much you care about other important people in her life, not just her.
11. Manage subscriptions to emails and apps
    Pregnant women often subscribe to relevant websites in preparation for their new baby. It can be triggering for moms to continue to receive these emails and notifications after their loss. You can offer to assist with unsubscribing and updating their email preferences.
12. Avoid making Judgments
    Let go of any expectations you may have about what grief and mourning should look like. The grief experience is unique and your patience and understanding is vital.
13. Don’t give unsolicited advice
    Sometimes moms aren’t looking for advice about what they can do. They just want to share about their baby, their experience and to not feel alone in their grief.
14. Don’t worry about “reminding her” of the loss
    You don’t have to worry about reminding her. She hasn’t forgotten about her baby dying and she will never forget. The experience of loss is now a part of her life story and nothing can be done to undo or change that.
15. Don’t take it personally
    If mom seems withdrawn or has a snappy attitude towards you, know that grieving is hard and causes changes in a person’s behavior. Be patient and gracious

If you’re interested in learning more ways to be a good support or in need of support yourself, let’s talk.

Kerri-Anne Brown

Hi, I'm Kerri-Anne and I'm a licensed mental health counselor in Orlando, FL. I help individuals and couples who are living with fertility challenges, perinatal loss, birth trauma and difficulties with postpartum adjustments. Please feel free to reach out anytime.